My Cancer Story

In January of 2020 I received the cancer diagnosis that changed my life. I was just a year and a half into a job that I loved but was so highly stressful I had to drink calming tea all day just to keep my shit together. If I made the mistake of having coffee I would twitch like someone being electrocuted as I worked away on my computer. After I got the news the first thing to go was my happiness, then I lost my hair and the next thing to go was my work and career, and it all went downhill after that. To be completely honest, I sank into a deep dark depression thanks to getting a cancer diagnosis right before the COVID-19 pandemic got serious in the United States in 2020. Luckily, though, it turns out I am resilient and I've made it through to what appears to be the other side!

The day I went in for a mammogram it was my birthday and everything was different after that. It was like a mammogram within a mammogram within a mammogram. I felt like I was inside the Russian nesting dolls; the story within a story all happening in a different (or parallel?) story. I was looking into a mirror reflecting another mirror, the mirrors showing my image shining and gleaming into infinity. But the edges are sharp and cut me open. The first scan missed something. They want a second scan. After the second scan they want to do an ultrasound. In between the mammograms I am feeling the edges of fear and worry creeping in because at this point I know something is up but I am still feeling happy-go-lucky overall. I am told that I would find out more information in the ultrasound room.

In February of that year I began a weekly chemo schedule that included Taxol, Herceptin and Perjeta, along with either an immunotherapy drug or a placebo. The clinical trial was called BR004 and I was happy to be a part of potentially life-changing cancer treatment. Luckily, the standard of care for HER 2+ breast cancer is really effective and I am happy to report that nearly all of the tumors have disappeared. At the time, though, Taxol was hellish; I'm not going to lie or sugar coat it. Taxol is one of the chemotherapy drugs that is really effective at killing the cancer but it's also really effective at killing all the cells and the physical body overall, so maintaining proper nutrition and sustenance along with some sort of spiritual and physical activity is vitally important to health, well being and quality of life. Taxol is one of the drugs that makes your hair fall out. THAT was traumatic. I went through the headcover phase and was over-the-moon thrilled when my hair started to grow back.

After six months and three weeks of weekly infusion visits at my nearby cancer care center, I was ready to graduate to chemo infusions every three weeks (for the rest of my life or until my cancer stops responding or there is a breakthrough in the treatment). But I was also depleted not just physically but mentally and emotionally too. I began a physical therapy regimen, both on land and water. It made me feel like an exotic creature, needing all this care and maintenance.

Once my treatment frequency changed to every three weeks I slowly started to recover but it was a slow process! My body needed a lot of support to regain strength. In total there were multiple physical therapists that I worked with, also water therapy, acupuncture, counseling. My endurance and stamina increased in response to the effort I gave in doing the physical therapy home exercises daily or throughout the week.

About a month ago I was unblinded from the clinical trial I had agreed to participate in. Six people died on the study and they decided to close it as a result. It turns out I was on the arm that did not receive the immunotherapy drug, I received the placebo. Given the side effects I experienced and the positive results, I thought for sure I had received the immunotherapy drug . But the results I received speak to the efficacy of the standard of care for HER2+ metastatic breast cancer (and I'm sure the prayers I received helped too).

Today I am working with a nutritionist, acupuncturist, two different physical therapists, a counselor, a reiki healer, functional medicine doctor, shaman teacher and there is probably someone I am forgetting. This is all in addition to the chemotherapy every three weeks. I've come to realize that living with cancer is a whole person, whole being approach. I'm constantly working on my spiritual practice, connecting with friends and family, cooking or eating healthy food, checking my emotional state, trying to put some more physical activity into my day and find that balance point that makes me forget I even have cancer. I am just choosing to do a lot of healthy and healing things for my body. I'm making health my lifestyle. I won't lie, though, I do miss the wine and cheese. And if you are having wine and cheese you gotta have the crackers. I've gone dairy free, gluten free, was vegan for a while, and am now focused on whole food, real food (think vegetables, nuts and small amount of fruit) and clean protein that was raised on a farm where it was humanely treated. I joke that I've become a pain in the ass when it comes to food but food is life. And I choose life. I choose life each day by choosing to eat as healthy as I can. I recognize that I have a privilege in being able to do this. What we eat restores and refuels our bodies. It's a practice. Finding the balance point. My hope is that by sharing my story I can help others find their balance point by encouraging them to explore every healing option until that sweet spot of balance is found.